E3 2025
February 2025
By Rabbi Yaakov Lieder
"Do not try to see him at the time of his disgrace." — Ethics of Our Fathers 4:18
If You Have 30 Seconds
In 1976, a year before I got married, my mother shared a piece of advice about marriage and parenting that I didn’t fully grasp at the time. She said,
"Before you get married, keep both eyes open. After you’re married, it’s wise to keep one eye closed."
It wasn’t until I was 5 years into my (so far) 48-year marriage that her words truly resonated with me. I realised that this wisdom wasn’t about ignoring problems but about understanding the art of selective attention—choosing your battles wisely and recognising that not every flaw needs to be acknowledged. Sometimes, for peace and growth, it’s better to overlook minor imperfections, extend grace, and focus on what truly matters.
This simple yet profound insight extends far beyond marriage. It’s a guiding principle for leadership, education, and relationships in every area of life. Drawing from Ethics of Our Fathers, the idea of not catching someone at their lowest moment isn’t about denial—it’s about preserving dignity, fostering growth, and practising compassionate leadership.
The Takeaway:
In a world obsessed with exposing faults and catching mistakes, ancient wisdom reminds us that true leadership, in any role—as a parent, teacher, friend, or leader—is about compassion. It’s about knowing when to see and when to gently look away, giving others the space to grow free from the shadow of shame.
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If You Have Another Minute:
A Story That Will Touch Your Heart
Whenever I conduct teacher training seminars—whether in Moscow, Sydney, Melbourne, New York, Los Angeles, Tel Aviv, Johannesburg, or Buenos Aires—I start with the same question:
"Which teacher had the greatest impact on your life?"
The answers are almost always the same. It’s not the teacher who delivered brilliant lectures or had the most profound knowledge. It’s the teacher who cared. The one who made students feel seen, valued, and supported. The teacher who was on the lookout not to catch mistakes but to catch students doing something right.
As I often tell educators in my seminars,
"Your students don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care."
Reconnect to that teacher in your life—the one who saw you, believed in you, and made a difference—and express your gratitude. You never know when a simple act of kindness is creating history.
One story shared at a seminar has stayed with me:
A teacher recalled his childhood when he was 10, a classmate brought an expensive watch to school. The watch soon went missing. The teacher, realising it had likely been taken by a student, calmly asked the entire class to stand against the wall, close their eyes, and empty their pockets—no exceptions, no peeking.
After a few moments, he said,
"You can all open your eyes. The watch has been found."
Decades later, that former student met his teacher again. Overwhelmed with gratitude, he said,
"Thank you for not embarrassing me in front of the class that day. Your kindness changed my life. It taught me respect, integrity, and accountability."
The teacher paused, then replied,
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I didn’t know until this very moment that you were the one who took the watch. When I asked everyone to close their eyes, I closed mine too. I never wanted to know."
Let the honour of your student be as dear to you as your own" — Ethics of Our Fathers, 4:12.
That teacher exemplified the timeless wisdom of keeping one eye closed—not out of neglect, but out of deep respect for human dignity. Sometimes, the most powerful lessons come not from what we choose to see, but from what we choose to overlook.
For more blogs go to https://www.jfc.org.au/blog
and for videos go to https://www.youtube.com/@liederrelationshipandparen7760/videos
This publication is kindly sponsored by:
By Josh & Yaffa Moorvitch, Los Angeles, in honour of their children "Michal, Aviva, Dina, Ellie, Nava, Gavi and Avi".
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