The Four Sons: Where Psychology Meets the Soul

If you have 30 seconds

Mrs Cohen is hosting the Seder again. Gathering everyone around her table is something special—but oy gevalt, her sons can really drive her meshuga. Each one is so different.

There’s Chaim, the wise one—always learning, asking, thinking. Then there’s Sam, the cheeky rebel—like his father, a bit of a troublemaker, but at least this year he’s not behind bars. Simon is her quiet, easy-going son who just smiles along. And poor Dan—he’s nonverbal, nebach, unable to ask, but very much present.

Years ago, Mrs Cohen spent a small fortune on psychologists, trying to make sense of them all. Each specialist had his own theory. But had she researched the Torah, she might’ve saved herself a lot of money, time, and angst and found even deeper answers.

Modern Ideas, Ancient Roots

Today’s psychology offers different ways of understanding people: why we think and behave as we do. Some schools of thought focus on childhood experiences. Others look at confidence, or lack thereof, at learning from those around us, at our natural personality traits. All of them have something to offer—but they’re constantly changing.

For example, Sigmund Freud was once the go-to expert; now his ideas are mostly out of fashion. Psychology is still evolving. The Torah, by contrast, has guided human understanding for thousands of years.

If you have another 90 seconds

The Four Sons and Psychology (Made Simple)

A popular way of understanding personality is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). It places people on four simple scales, such as whether someone prefers talking or thinking, structure or flexibility. According to that model, the wise son might be someone who enjoys facts, order, and responsibility. The rebellious son might actually be quite similar—organised and logical—but his values are different, and he questions everything.

Another approach, from psychologist Albert Bandura, says people develop confidence by watching and learning from others. The simple son might not lack intelligence—he may just feel unsure of himself and be afraid to get things wrong. That’s why he keeps quiet.

Erik Erikson, who built on Freud’s ideas, believed that early life stages shape personality. If a child isn’t supported to try, fail, and try again, they may develop feelings of guilt or fear. Dan, the child who doesn’t know how to ask, may have gone through difficult moments during that early stage and grown up too hesitant to speak.

So yes, psychology has some insights. But it’s not an exact science. It’s still working things out. The Torah, though, offers something deeper and steadier.

The Soul Behind the Story

Jewish tradition teaches that we’re not just bodies or brains—we’re souls. Each soul is made of different layers: instinct, emotion, and intellect. These are known as Nefesh, Ruach, and Neshama. They shape how we feel, act, and relate to the world.

Inside each soul are ten sefirot—qualities like wisdom, kindness, strength, and humility. Everyone has these, but in different balances. That’s why no two people are the same.

Some of these character traits are spiritual, some psychological, and some may come from choices we made in this life, or even past ones. The Torah shows that who we are is much more than what we see on the surface.

Four Sons, One Table, One Journey

The Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that the Four Sons aren’t just four types of children. They’re also four stages we all go through. Sometimes we’re wise. Sometimes we push back. Other times we feel simple, or too unsure to ask anything at all.

But here’s the key: They’re all at the Seder table. They all belong. Even the rebellious son is still asking and still showing up. Deep down, he wants to connect.

The wise son shows us where we can go. The rebellious one reminds us how deep the struggle for meaning can run. The simple one is still growing. And the silent one—he may be listening more than we think.

The Conclusion

Modern psychology helps us understand parts of ourselves, but Torah helps us understand our whole selves. It sees the person not just as a mind but as a soul—not just who we are but who we can become.

So maybe this year, Mrs Cohen will see not just four personalities, but four souls, each on their own journey. And maybe we’ll see the same in ourselves.

Because the Four Sons aren’t just her children. They’re in all of us.

I Wish You and your family a Happy and Meaningful Pesach.

For more blogs, go to https://www.jfc.org.au/blog and for videos, go to https://www.youtube.com/@liederrelationshipandparen7760/videos

This publication is dedicated to David & Yvonne Isaac and their sons Joshi & Sammi of DJ&A Pty. Ltd., Sydney, Australia